I have no shame, low confidence and bad things happen to me... and that's hilarious?


I’m not in a frat but I did get initiated into a gang of homeless men who like to masturbate into car windows!


One thing that has always bothered me in life is my wardrobe. Mostly because I’m too cheap to buy the clothes that I really like and would reflect my style. So when I need new clothes I end up buying cheap things like t-shirts and that becomes the majority of my wardrobe.

The problem is I get tricked into buying a shirt I think is cool but then when I actually get it, I realize I could never possibly wear it. And I’m not talking about something that just doesn’t work on me. No these are much more stupid.

For example, if you showed me a shirt of Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street at the alter ready to get gay married, I would totally buy that.

But I could never wear that. I support gay marriage and like Bert and Ernie but wearing that ensemble just seems to raise more questions than it answers…

But seriously I’d buy that shirt.


I am in love with this girl but I don’t know how to tell her…

She’s blind and deaf. I literally don’t know how to tell her.


I just want to find someone who loves me because they hate all the things I hate.

But I hate myself and I feel like that’s a conflict of interest.


Everyone is mad at the 1%. But what about the .1% that isn’t killed from hand sanitizer?!


We have yet to cure cancer but if a report came out that swallowing semen was bad for women’s health, we’d have a cure for that in minutes.


Sometimes I’ll see two ugly people together and think “Aww that’s great they found each other.” Those people realized what they are and settled for love.

That’s usually followed by the realization that I’m single so maybe I’m an ugly person who just hasn’t admitted it yet.  


Growing up there was nothing I loved better than free things. To this day I take any free thing. Doesn’t matter what it is.

It could be free used needles and I would take it. And I can’t just throw it out. There would just be a big box in my house of used needles that I can’t use due to fear of disease.

I’d keep telling myself I’ll boil and sterilize them to give to some hospital in need. But even i know that no hospital is going to take unsolicited needle donations and I was never going to get around to boiling them anyway. 


I recently switched back to the shampoo I used when I was younger. It’s L’Oreal for kids and it promises no tears.

I don’t think it is working… I still cry in the shower. 

  • Me: I have a crazy family.
  • Friend: Everyone has a crazy family.
  • Me: I meant my family has a history of mental illness. Way to be insensitive.